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Numb

October 7, 2012 Leave a comment

Do you ever feel numb? Feeling as though your life is so painfully normal – That you’re constantly waiting for life to happen as though you’re sitting on the couch, waiting for to commercials to end and can’t even summon enough energy to reach for the remote?

In fact, all summer I’ve been in this state of absolute numb apathy – which I’m sure you’ve all experienced at some point or another.

You’re just…. waiting. Lost and worried… terrified… that you have no control over your future. But then again, who does?

As we approach adulthood all we’re really doing is analyzing our childhoods. Wondering if we’ve turned out OK, wondering if our expectations will meet our realities somewhere down the line, wondering how much more could possibly change and wondering, constantly asking, “who the hell am I?”

We’re lucky, all of us. Everyone can draw at least a hundred wonderful memories from their childhood. And these memories are things we should be driven by – just the knowledge that we’ve each grown up, with the hardships we’ve faced, and made it here. Made it this far.

Isn’t it unbelievable how much we’ve been through? How much we’ve experienced so far in our short lifetimes? All of this, everything that’s happened to you, has made you into who you are now (even if you’re not sure who that is yet exactly)

The present moment is never what you expected it to be. You’re not where you thought you’d be. This year is so different than the last. Your relationships, your mind, your thoughts, your home (or maybe it’s many places you now call a home – maybe its none), nothing is the same.

Maybe you feel like you’re living in some kind of “dream” and you’re not even sure you’re happy with it.

It’s the unknown in growing up, that scares every single one of us.

So I guess I’m an adult now, or whatever that means these days.

It hurts a bit, to look into my future and not know exactly what will be my so called “destiny.” Constantly we ask ourselves these questions of; will I be doing something I love? Will I know what I want to do? Will I be lost? Where will I live? Who will I love?

I have these constant flashes into my future, of my ideals, and I see do many things I want. I see myself travelling. I see myself doing what I love. I see myself with someone whom I love. I see myself being driven. I see myself proving my younger self (me right now) wrong. I see myself creating films, maybe documentaries, and maybe music videos. I see myself having amazing teachers who will become my mentors. I see myself surrounded by like-minded people. I see myself getting praised for what I’ve done – by whoever will notice and maybe, I should most expect that person to be me.

But maybe these are the little goals I should have, or even if they’re not so little. It’s the things like “I see myself famous” or just knowing your end goal is to be in the magazines, to be making big money, to be a top model, etc… That brings you the trouble, the disappointment. It’s the small goals that count for something. It’s not having huge expectations.

Oh how we do preach to an invisible audience how to go about living – but do we ever listen to our own words?

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Categories: Uncategorized

Let’s be frank here….

September 29, 2012 Leave a comment

I’ve been dying to get back on a horse again, train 6 times a week, get home late and do all my homework until the wee hours of the night. I miss getting ready for shows the night before, washing and plaiting ‘my’ horse when the whole yard was empty. The time I got to spend with horses was holy; I would talk to them and have the radio booming in the background not caring what people thought if they passed by.

I never gave up my dream of becoming a professional rider willingly. I was forced but yet again I wasn’t entirely. I got my fair portion of reality and opinions about my future career choices. Was it ‘tasty’? No, not at all; it was like having your first cigar. It made me cough and revolt. The study I’m doing now is fun and all but not really what I want. Sure I’m excelling more than ever before but it’s not what I’m after.

Not everybody is as fortunate. We don’t all get to pursue our dreams the way we want to. I first have to finish this course (which mind you is four years) and then the chance that I’m still able to and allowed to pick up where I left off with horse riding is awfully small. Some days I get up my hopes to find out later that they’re shattered within seconds. I got luck in a different aspect of my life which I’m neither ungrateful nor grateful for.

What if? There’s always that burning question I dare not to think about. I’ve tried introducing the idea to the people who help me but they all shake their heads and tell me to forget it. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not blaming those people of crushing my dreams but myself. If I had pushed more towards my dreams earlier then I might not have ended up where I am now.

-iRealSophie

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Did you know?

January 22, 2012 Leave a comment

Did you know, people spend 2 years of their life at traffic lights? What are you waiting for?
Of course, we can’t run these stop lights, but what we can do is try our best to not waste any time when the lights turn green.

Be in love with these years of teenage freedom. Be in love with yourself, as you’re envisioning the person you could become and as you’re accepting all of your flaws and imperfections that really, in the end, are all part of who you are. And maybe I’m mistaken but I believe that this life really will be a beautiful one if we can continue living it forward.

I don’t want these teenage years to end almost; as I’m hoping that how alive and emotional and exaggerated these times are… will last. I don’t want this feeling of living at the peak of every emotion to end. It’s draining, yes. And it’s painful, no doubt. But I think this over powerful-emotional-soul bending-adrenaline seeking- hormone raging-freedom craving-insecure lifestyle, really is a gift.

Although it hurts to fall too hard (in, and out -of love), to feel too much (or nothing at all), to speak too boldly (or wish you’d spoken up), to dream too broadly (or not have dreams at all), to feel too powerful (or feel entirely powerless), or to be unable to be at peace with yourself (or not being able to find a spark at all)… why would you wish to do anything else with these two billion heartbeats? Why not – when the light turns green – live life fast. Chase after what you want. Make ultimately foolish-spur-of-the-moment decisions (as in the end, they don’t turn out to be so foolish after all.) Be spontaneous. Burn the candle at both ends, and to hell with how exhausted you are the next morning. Fall in love quickly (that guard you put up won’t save you for long in this game.) Never fear the consequences. Don’t be, NEVER BE, the tortoise. Enjoy every single one of those two billion heartbeats, loves.

Sigh. Breathe in, breath out. Too much on the mind….The future, for one.
Funny isn’t it, how we struggle so much with living in the past only to find when we’ve found our way to live forward we end up searching too much in the future?

I suppose we just need to breathe and I’ll say once again (as it’s a proven theory now) that this too, shall pass.

 

-iRealSophie

Categories: Uncategorized