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Numb

October 7, 2012 Leave a comment

Do you ever feel numb? Feeling as though your life is so painfully normal – That you’re constantly waiting for life to happen as though you’re sitting on the couch, waiting for to commercials to end and can’t even summon enough energy to reach for the remote?

In fact, all summer I’ve been in this state of absolute numb apathy – which I’m sure you’ve all experienced at some point or another.

You’re just…. waiting. Lost and worried… terrified… that you have no control over your future. But then again, who does?

As we approach adulthood all we’re really doing is analyzing our childhoods. Wondering if we’ve turned out OK, wondering if our expectations will meet our realities somewhere down the line, wondering how much more could possibly change and wondering, constantly asking, “who the hell am I?”

We’re lucky, all of us. Everyone can draw at least a hundred wonderful memories from their childhood. And these memories are things we should be driven by – just the knowledge that we’ve each grown up, with the hardships we’ve faced, and made it here. Made it this far.

Isn’t it unbelievable how much we’ve been through? How much we’ve experienced so far in our short lifetimes? All of this, everything that’s happened to you, has made you into who you are now (even if you’re not sure who that is yet exactly)

The present moment is never what you expected it to be. You’re not where you thought you’d be. This year is so different than the last. Your relationships, your mind, your thoughts, your home (or maybe it’s many places you now call a home – maybe its none), nothing is the same.

Maybe you feel like you’re living in some kind of “dream” and you’re not even sure you’re happy with it.

It’s the unknown in growing up, that scares every single one of us.

So I guess I’m an adult now, or whatever that means these days.

It hurts a bit, to look into my future and not know exactly what will be my so called “destiny.” Constantly we ask ourselves these questions of; will I be doing something I love? Will I know what I want to do? Will I be lost? Where will I live? Who will I love?

I have these constant flashes into my future, of my ideals, and I see do many things I want. I see myself travelling. I see myself doing what I love. I see myself with someone whom I love. I see myself being driven. I see myself proving my younger self (me right now) wrong. I see myself creating films, maybe documentaries, and maybe music videos. I see myself having amazing teachers who will become my mentors. I see myself surrounded by like-minded people. I see myself getting praised for what I’ve done – by whoever will notice and maybe, I should most expect that person to be me.

But maybe these are the little goals I should have, or even if they’re not so little. It’s the things like “I see myself famous” or just knowing your end goal is to be in the magazines, to be making big money, to be a top model, etc… That brings you the trouble, the disappointment. It’s the small goals that count for something. It’s not having huge expectations.

Oh how we do preach to an invisible audience how to go about living – but do we ever listen to our own words?

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