October 7, 2012 Leave a comment

Do you ever feel numb? Feeling as though your life is so painfully normal – That you’re constantly waiting for life to happen as though you’re sitting on the couch, waiting for to commercials to end and can’t even summon enough energy to reach for the remote?

In fact, all summer I’ve been in this state of absolute numb apathy – which I’m sure you’ve all experienced at some point or another.

You’re just…. waiting. Lost and worried… terrified… that you have no control over your future. But then again, who does?

As we approach adulthood all we’re really doing is analyzing our childhoods. Wondering if we’ve turned out OK, wondering if our expectations will meet our realities somewhere down the line, wondering how much more could possibly change and wondering, constantly asking, “who the hell am I?”

We’re lucky, all of us. Everyone can draw at least a hundred wonderful memories from their childhood. And these memories are things we should be driven by – just the knowledge that we’ve each grown up, with the hardships we’ve faced, and made it here. Made it this far.

Isn’t it unbelievable how much we’ve been through? How much we’ve experienced so far in our short lifetimes? All of this, everything that’s happened to you, has made you into who you are now (even if you’re not sure who that is yet exactly)

The present moment is never what you expected it to be. You’re not where you thought you’d be. This year is so different than the last. Your relationships, your mind, your thoughts, your home (or maybe it’s many places you now call a home – maybe its none), nothing is the same.

Maybe you feel like you’re living in some kind of “dream” and you’re not even sure you’re happy with it.

It’s the unknown in growing up, that scares every single one of us.

So I guess I’m an adult now, or whatever that means these days.

It hurts a bit, to look into my future and not know exactly what will be my so called “destiny.” Constantly we ask ourselves these questions of; will I be doing something I love? Will I know what I want to do? Will I be lost? Where will I live? Who will I love?

I have these constant flashes into my future, of my ideals, and I see do many things I want. I see myself travelling. I see myself doing what I love. I see myself with someone whom I love. I see myself being driven. I see myself proving my younger self (me right now) wrong. I see myself creating films, maybe documentaries, and maybe music videos. I see myself having amazing teachers who will become my mentors. I see myself surrounded by like-minded people. I see myself getting praised for what I’ve done – by whoever will notice and maybe, I should most expect that person to be me.

But maybe these are the little goals I should have, or even if they’re not so little. It’s the things like “I see myself famous” or just knowing your end goal is to be in the magazines, to be making big money, to be a top model, etc… That brings you the trouble, the disappointment. It’s the small goals that count for something. It’s not having huge expectations.

Oh how we do preach to an invisible audience how to go about living – but do we ever listen to our own words?

Categories: Uncategorized

Let’s be frank here….

September 29, 2012 Leave a comment

I’ve been dying to get back on a horse again, train 6 times a week, get home late and do all my homework until the wee hours of the night. I miss getting ready for shows the night before, washing and plaiting ‘my’ horse when the whole yard was empty. The time I got to spend with horses was holy; I would talk to them and have the radio booming in the background not caring what people thought if they passed by.

I never gave up my dream of becoming a professional rider willingly. I was forced but yet again I wasn’t entirely. I got my fair portion of reality and opinions about my future career choices. Was it ‘tasty’? No, not at all; it was like having your first cigar. It made me cough and revolt. The study I’m doing now is fun and all but not really what I want. Sure I’m excelling more than ever before but it’s not what I’m after.

Not everybody is as fortunate. We don’t all get to pursue our dreams the way we want to. I first have to finish this course (which mind you is four years) and then the chance that I’m still able to and allowed to pick up where I left off with horse riding is awfully small. Some days I get up my hopes to find out later that they’re shattered within seconds. I got luck in a different aspect of my life which I’m neither ungrateful nor grateful for.

What if? There’s always that burning question I dare not to think about. I’ve tried introducing the idea to the people who help me but they all shake their heads and tell me to forget it. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not blaming those people of crushing my dreams but myself. If I had pushed more towards my dreams earlier then I might not have ended up where I am now.



Did you know?

January 22, 2012 Leave a comment

Did you know, people spend 2 years of their life at traffic lights? What are you waiting for?
Of course, we can’t run these stop lights, but what we can do is try our best to not waste any time when the lights turn green.

Be in love with these years of teenage freedom. Be in love with yourself, as you’re envisioning the person you could become and as you’re accepting all of your flaws and imperfections that really, in the end, are all part of who you are. And maybe I’m mistaken but I believe that this life really will be a beautiful one if we can continue living it forward.

I don’t want these teenage years to end almost; as I’m hoping that how alive and emotional and exaggerated these times are… will last. I don’t want this feeling of living at the peak of every emotion to end. It’s draining, yes. And it’s painful, no doubt. But I think this over powerful-emotional-soul bending-adrenaline seeking- hormone raging-freedom craving-insecure lifestyle, really is a gift.

Although it hurts to fall too hard (in, and out -of love), to feel too much (or nothing at all), to speak too boldly (or wish you’d spoken up), to dream too broadly (or not have dreams at all), to feel too powerful (or feel entirely powerless), or to be unable to be at peace with yourself (or not being able to find a spark at all)… why would you wish to do anything else with these two billion heartbeats? Why not – when the light turns green – live life fast. Chase after what you want. Make ultimately foolish-spur-of-the-moment decisions (as in the end, they don’t turn out to be so foolish after all.) Be spontaneous. Burn the candle at both ends, and to hell with how exhausted you are the next morning. Fall in love quickly (that guard you put up won’t save you for long in this game.) Never fear the consequences. Don’t be, NEVER BE, the tortoise. Enjoy every single one of those two billion heartbeats, loves.

Sigh. Breathe in, breath out. Too much on the mind….The future, for one.
Funny isn’t it, how we struggle so much with living in the past only to find when we’ve found our way to live forward we end up searching too much in the future?

I suppose we just need to breathe and I’ll say once again (as it’s a proven theory now) that this too, shall pass.



Categories: Uncategorized


January 22, 2012 Leave a comment

Categories: Personal

Take your time;

November 13, 2011 1 comment

There comes a point in life where you get tired; physically, emotionally, mentally. You feel as though your life is going in circles, your days made of the same routines, the same faces, and the same schedule. It’s the kind of patient-too-long frustration you get when you absolutely are craving some kind of change from your state of mind… your life. It’s that feeling you know you’ve had before, but it was a long while ago. It’s a kind of epic nostalgia. It’s back now and it makes you want to leap out of your chest with your soul and run. You don’t know where you’re going and you don’t know exactly where you want to go, you just know you have to fulfill something before its too late. You have to fulfill a lot of things. You’re making a mental bucket list right now. It kills you when you think of all the things you want to do, but seem like you’d need a million life times to complete.

Fallen into your routine, trapped in your body, your soul is so much older than your face.

The truth is you really are the only person in control of your life. You could literally do most of anything you wanted. It’s just the string of emotions that goes along with indecision on if it’s the right choice. The ‘grass is greener’ feeling you’re familiar with. You know you want change, but would it be better? When is the right time to do it? You always hear these quotes along the lines of something cheesy like “The time, is now.”
This may be true… but there will always be that subconscious voice telling you to wait… telling you you’re not ready… telling you that there’s some kind of conflict, even if you can’t pinpoint it exactly.

You just need to rest your mind. Stop looking at the past for answers… let go and stop looking at the future as well. Stop overthinking… because it’s overthinking that turns perfectly good things, thoughts, decisions… into amazing dreadful masterpieces that your pretty little head has come up with…has made you believe.

Everything passes, and everything happens for a reason, for you to grow. For the others around you to grow.

Don’t let your so easily-influenced self get the better of you. CHANGE something when you can, and know that the decision you made… is always the right one. The big choices we have to make…well, everything passes. Everything is temporary. And it’s not the end if it’s not been worked out.

If it were curiosity that killed the cat… well then it must have been the over-thought, emotional build up and stress that killed the human. So thank you life for all your “unfairness” that turned out to be the greatest lessons of life. Even if we never LEARN from these lessons, at least we’ve experienced.

Cheers to the teenage years, the never ending battle between whom you are, who you wish you were and who you think you should be. The battle between morals, freedom, and the world at large. The wild minds of us youth and the ever present over-thought that seems to go into (almost) every detail of our days. Is this the most difficult times of our lives? Up until now yes but the most beautiful, creative, exciting, new and influential? Without a doubt!

One of the most important things to do is not to rush anything. It’s such a common mistake we make when we’re tired of everything. You’ve ‘played your heart out’, so rest. Rest your mind and emotions. Take some time for yourself. Spend time with yourself (just not in your head).



Categories: Personal

What is time?

October 31, 2011 Leave a comment

Here’s a video I made summer of 2011. Being a teenager about to graduate really does get you thinking and that fact that I have a scarred past doesn’t make the thinking process any shorter at all. 90% of the footage was shot in a little village called Casperia near Rome.



Categories: Personal

The End of Nostalgic Times

October 30, 2011 Leave a comment

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every moment of it.” 

I’ve officially joined the NAA (Nostalgia Addicts Anon) group, – it’s self-run… by me (you’re welcome to join, as we’re all kind of addicted) – and it seems to have helped all of a sudden, to come about this realization.

And so what do we do, when we can’t accept life’s inevitable course of change and loss? I think this is what happens to us, when we’re overcome with nostalgia for our childhood as we begin to near our adult years. It’s the “young-adult-crisis” (broken record because the past few videos I’ve made have run off of this subject – but this one’s different…. promise 😉
The nostalgia becomes painful, and until you realise you need to ACCEPT the change, ACCEPT the loss, and ACCEPT that no… this year ISN’T going to be the same as last year… then you can find comfort in the present and look forward to the future instead of always replaying the tape of the past. Cause, frankly… we all know we can’t go back.

We’ve fallen victims of this affection for the past, these ideals of what everything “used to be” and in this, aren’t we living in the past? It seems so simple, but this was only an epiphany of mine today as I was sitting with Magic on the top of a hill. Looking down upon everything, letting my mind -as per usual- take off and bring me back into the past. This has been a struggle for almost a year now. Hardly living for the moment when you’re constantly comparing the present to a moment in the past – in which you’re desperately trying to make similar.

So yeah, a lot of shit’s happened to you. You’ve learned from it, haven’t you? So this autumn isn’t the same as last autumn. You know why? Because it’s THIS autumn and NOT last autumn. We can’t get caught up in the past, because this is a NEW year. There’s no more running from new experience, because life… has to keep moving ahead. And how else can we do that if we don’t accept new experience, a new time and time itself moving forward? And to achieve this, it definitely requires a bit of accumulated strength. It’s not easy to let go, it’s really not… but it’s so completely worth it, because how else are we supposed to live? We can’t live through a version of ourselves that’s outdated now, can we?

Know that the past was the past
this year isn’t the same as the last
and that this year is for new experiences
we’re all living for the future that we don’t know
but what makes it worth looking forward to is just that;
we don’t know anything
living forward is the acceptance of new things, new experiences and letting go
there’s no use in comparing anything to the past
live forwards, not in reverse loves.
because time stops for absolutely no one.
and we’re too young to want it to stop.

Oh and by the way, we really all are in the same boat. But I’m here to tell you that it all really does get better. Everything is temporary and everything, shall pass.

“Well we all get strange
And we know it
But we’re cool with it
And we all get a little bit older
In this day and age
But we deal with it”


Categories: Personal